seas_2_far

I just finished writing the last paper I will ever have to write as an undergraduate. who knows, maybe this will be the LAST paper I will ever write. it was on ophelia. woo woo

I should be doing something more productive then this right now. I have a response essay due in disscussion tommorow and I can't bring myself to bullshit two pages of stuff that I already know. I should be looking for another job on craigslist because my current one is ending at the end of the week. I should probably be calling my boyfriend, because it's an hour later there and he's going to be asleep soon or too stoned to have an actual conversation about his day with me.

I've taken a break from all the worrying I've been doing about the painful future that lies ahead and daydreaming about all the wonderful things that I want to happen. I image Michael and I in New York, with him running the antique store and making tons of dough and me working some great, prestigious job that everyone is jealous of. Maybe something music related. Or maybe antiques. God, his shop is so incrediable, imagine an attic full of beautiful old things and strange secrets. That's what the antique store my boyfriend's dad runs is. www.B4itwascool.com I imagine our apartment full of antique lights and oriental rugs that have laid on floor centuries before us. Or I imagine us in Cali, lying on the beach smoking blueberry kush soaked in hash oil and kissing in the ocean like dolphines my skin dark and smooth. I imagine myself skiing in New Zealand and praying in the temples of Cambodia and Thailand. This is what i do when I am supposed to be reading Film Critism or Art History. This is what I do when my statistics teacher is shouting in our ears, percieving his lectures to be as influential as Malcom X.

Daydreaming is the only way I will survive this semester. School is killing me. Being around all these bodies just freaks me out and makes me panic. I want to stay at home hiding in my apartment, like I did all summer.

this morning i was sleeping peacefully in michael's arms in a hearty, much enjoyed slumber, when some maintance guys showed up to check out a leak in my kitchen, which turned out to actually be a huge hole in the wall. they informed me that i had to have everything moved out by tommorow morning and informed me that they would be back the next day "bright and early" to begin fixing the kitchen. so right now, there are pots and pans and half dirty dishes surrounded me, in every open avaliable place lies a dish or dry food or cooking oil. My bookshelf is shelved with kitchen. I'm pissed. The last thing I need right now is some stupid repair man fixing my kitchen sleep at an ungodly hour of the morning that will not only scorn my beauty sleep, but present me with many extra hours that i will have to be productive, when that is actually the last thing I want to be at the moment. I am almost entirely finished with the things that I need to do to prepare for my departure from the United States this weekend, I cannot wait to start backpacking, it's almost surreal that the time has finally come so close. At dinner tonight, I begin to think that perhaps this trip may really change a lot of things about my life and I may not even be able to go back to school next semester. After seeing such a poverty strikken country, I feel like I will want to join an organization that betters the poor. Even though my new job is somewhat of a joke, it's nice to think of myself as improving the urban world of Milwaukee and the transportaion of the people. Lately, I've been thinking of ways to work around the system and figure out a way to arrange my credits so that I may actually be able to graduate at the end of 2009. I think that graduation next year is duable even if that involves busting my ass and taking 21 credits in a semester. I need to be done, just so I can actually get my life started. I am certain that I need to get out of Milwaukee and into a warmer climate. Another winter could possibly kill me.

Well summer is finally here. It's been so nice not to have to worry about any kind of academic commitment this past week. I have literally spent at least two days being the laziest person in the universe (I watched almost an entire season of America's next top model) that I've finally gotten back into the working mode. I am going back home to finish a project with Pulse and taking a few shifts at Caffe Espresso for the rest of may, or until my job at ISPR picks up in June. All and all, these next few weeks should be very lucrative. It's perfact timing because I might be moving again. Alex found this beautiful three bedroom house on Arlington, right off of Brady, across the street from Balzac, next to Thermans/Joes, yellow. It's an ideal location for a really fair price. I am scared of having roomates again though, it can be so difficult. I think that Marti, Alex and I are really compatitable, knock on wood. I couldn't believe the inside of the house though, I really felt grown-up at that moment, walking through a huge dinning room with a chandler into a living room with a fireplace. It feels like a place that would actually feel like home.

Minamata is a costal town on the island of Kyushu, Japan, was the site of a serious illness that was first recognized i nthe middle of the twentieth century. It was first called the disease of the dancing cats because the illness was first observed in cats that seemingly went mad and ran in circles foaming at the mouth. It was also noticed that birds flew into buildings or fell to the ground. People were subsequently affected and most of the families were fishermen. Some of the first symptoms were fatigue, irritability, numbness in arms and legs and headaces, as well as difficulty swallowing. Some of the more severe symptoms included blurred vision, loss of hearing, and loss of muscular coordination. Some people complained of a metallic taste in their mouths.

I am envious of people who do good things for themselves because they care about themselves and their well-being. I am envious of people who do not smoke because they know it is bad for their lungs and causes high blood pressure. I am envious of people who do not drink milkshakes for breakfast and do not live on a diet consisting mainly of alcohol. I am envious of people who wear their seatbelts because they value their lives and find meaning in them. I am envious of girls who go to the gynecologists and don't lie about how many sexual partners they have had because they are embaressed and I am envious of girls who make the men they sleep with wear a condom everytime. I am envious of college students who can write papers without doing copious amounts of cocaine and nodoze and i am even more envious if they can write these papers well. i am envious of people who can keep a job for over a year. i am envious of people that do not have neighbors that bitch at them on a weekly basis for being too drunk and loud. i am envious of people in relationships that are healthy and even more envious of people who are wise enough to end relationships that are unhealthy. I am envious of every single person who can start something and finish it. I am envious of people who are good at saving money and even better at not spending it on stupid things such as ridiciously large tabs at the bar. i am envious of kurt cobain and elizabeth wurtzel because they are both whiney little bitches who make/made copious amounts of money along with fame and recgonization (whether it be positive or negative) simply for being the way they are. i am envious of people with cable tv and rich parents. i am envious of anyone who can play a musical insturment.

but then there are things that i have that make all this envy i have a little easier to bear. i have my amazing family and friends who are always supportive and keep me out of re-hab for the most part. i have lola, who sits on my lap while i do homework and makes me wake up in the morning to feed her no matter how hungover or depressed i may be. i have the internet and amazon.com which allows me to extend my library and my knowledge everytime i get paid. i have iggy pop and lou reed and wes anderson and mangos and ibprofen and another thirty days to not have to worry about rent which all make life a little easier to bear. and it's summer, sam grilled out the other day and a bunch of people came over with beer and food and i didn't need to wear a jacket and i smoked too many ciggerates but it was only because i never left the poarch. summer nights like that make life really fantastic no matter how fucked up my body is and how i just can't keep my shit together. summer nights make my fucked-up self a lot easier to bear.

i feel extreamly accomplished today.

Adrianne's dinner at Bucca's turned out to be pretty fun. I thought the food was good though apparently no one else really did. They served us tirimusu in a huge bowl and it seeping with rum, everyone thought that it was really gross but me and sam thought it was delicious pirate tirmisu that should be eatten every evening late into the night. Alex, Sam and Wilhem's party wasn't as fun as I expected though because Missy told me I've been mean to her the past few weeks because I am jealous of her. I wasn't expecting this at all from her and I don't think it's really true, I just have been antisocial lately because life has just been too damn sad lately, but I guess she thinks I'm mad at her or too mean and sad about everything which makes me even sadder. I never know what I am doing wrong half the time and when I am finally told what it is I don't even understand it.

I talked to Melody earlier today and we are almost certain we want to go to Belize as well, which is very exciting because I've been reading that it is much more peaceful than Guatemala and I want to go to the rainforest. I'm a little scared of getting bitten by some foreing bug that kills me slowly, or getting burned too death in the 100 degree sun, but I am almost hoping to pick up some battle scars along the way. I am not sure if I am going to be going to Oregon this summer, I might go to New York instead and hang out with Mike, because Alex may already be living in a tent in the woods and disconnected from the world entirely. School is over in one week and I can't wait, although I feel pressured to sign up for summer classes so maybe by some miracle I could be out in the four years. I don't think it's possible though and I don't know if I have one single ounce of motivation for another film analysis paper in the upcoming months. I can barely type one sentance.

Still have not had a ciggerate.

classes for fall semester involve:

-Social Change
-Seminar in Communication in a world of AIDS
-Classical Film Critism and Theory
-History of Film I The Development of an Art
-Conservation of Natural Resources
- Language, Media and Social Practice in Global Communications

Yep, I next fall i will have no life.

It's Ace's birthday tonight and we are going to this piano bar i've been wanting to go to since I moved to this side of town. Then it's Sam, Will and Alex's conjoining birthday at the Death House. I made Alex a CD that I think is pretty good, i tried to make everything flow together nicely, but then it got tedious and i figured that he wouldn't even end up listening to it because honestly, how many mix cds actually get listened too??? So it kind of resulted in a jumbled mess of new york 60's rock, swanky 50's, gypsy pirate punk hip hop and sad acoustics and herion overdoses.

I haven't had a ciggerate in two days and I'm almost good as quit.

i went home for a few days and something strange happend, i actually missed my apartment in milwaukee a little bit, which means that i am finally starting to adjust. i got to see mike on his break in the midwest, between LA and New York. we haven't seen eachother in over three years but it didn't really feel like that long. when i was with him, it made me think about the person who i used to be when we were younger, before i fell into this huge well of saddness. he has this ability to liven things up inside of me, things i didn't even know were there. we slept outside on the poarch even though it's really not warm enough to be doing things like that, but when i woke up with all th sunglight pouring in it really felt like we were somewhere where it is always warm and the ocean is nearby. we ended up soaking wet in the afternoon, my eyes stung from all the salt, like we had just went for a swim in the ocean and its moments like this that makes my life feel so perfect and simple.

"This is the essence of life. This is the only reason to get out of bed in the morning. Everyday is a new opportunity to ask more questions and see what happens." E. Wurtzel, "The Secret to Life"

Last week was immensly stressful and this week will most likely to prevail as the same. After that however, I will be done with this godforsaken unenlightening semester and hopefully the next one will be better. There are things to look foward to however:
1. fruit being in season
2. tuesday nights at the jazz estate
3. having someone to dance with at the jazz estate now that alex is 21
4. getting alex drunk enough to dance
5. camping in orgeon
6. L.A., new york, vermont, seeing Becca
7. backpacking through guatemala
8. all the books that i am going to read
9. Sam and Jenna
10. sunburns
11. long hair
12. lost weight
13. my cousin's wedding
14. long walks

mmmm summer.

So I'd like to start this off by saying that yes, I do believe that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I am grateful for many of the lessons I have learned through heartbreak and pain. All the hurt that I have felt is a blessing in disguise because yes, it is better to learn this now when I am young and strong as opposed to when I am older and less equiped to deal.

However, I will say that there is a lot of pain and that I did not need over the last several years. Mostly, I did not need all the heartbreaks, I did not need to learn over and over again that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I did not need to learn that I would have preferred the never-loved part. I did not need to devote hours writing letters that were much to long for men that cared too little, or spend the hours I did, obsessing over relationships that were doomed from the moment they began. We all want to believe that buried treasure really does exist, which is why I probably gave so many chances to people beyond repair no matter how badly I wanted to believe that I could fix it.

And all this time I spent, all this time I devoted to a romantic life that I am certain now was mostly wasted and wasteful when I could have been writing, could have been reading, could have been learning, could have been feeding the homeless, could have been studying for an exam, could have been visiting my now dead-grandmother or playing with my little brother, could have been doing almost anything else.

Half of the people I have loved I will probably never see again. Was it worth it? Probably not. I cannot change that, but I can plan for the future. So I am going to spend more time doing the things that I really should have been doing for all that wasted time. Starting today, tommorow and tonight.